my window is open today,

i have pieced together my whole entire life. well, not my real life, but a fake life, one that only goes on inside of my mind. i don't tell anyone about it, they'd all think i was crazy. think i was sick, think i needed help. i really don't need help, it's only one big story, one big novel, that i play out day by day in my head. the only problem is, i don't have the ability to sit down and write it down. i do not have the ability to actually type it all out, and even admit that it's not real sometimes. i don't have the motivation. i need a motivation. i need a purpose. what is your purpose? i don't think that i have a purpose yet. i think that it is one of those things that i have to figure out about myself in the next eight months. i need to find a purpose and a motivation. i know that i could be a phenomenal writer, if i tried, if i had a reason, if i had a purpose. i used to be so passionate about it, i used to love it with every fiber of my being. but now, i honestly don't have the energy. i don't have anything. i only have my mind. my mind can write my stories for me. i can remember them and cherish them, but they'll never be able to be shared with anyone. how sad is that? i feel like a sad human being. i can not share the only thing that makes me creative with other people in this world. every other creative thing that i have tried to do in my life never quite is as good as it is all in my head. i'll try to actually make it real, and the execution is horrible. it sounds so amazing in my head, and on paper, it's genius, really. but when it is reality, it's a failure. i can't take that again. i just want my story in my head. well now it won't be in my head. it'll now be here.

i don't think that i'm ready for this. i don't think that i'm ready to actually tell everyone what this is about. maybe when i find my purpose, i can write it all down and share it with all of the internet. but until that day, i'm not sure that i can yet. we'll see what happens.

i think i'm going to cut down on the makeup. i think it's blinding who i really am. i feel like i need to stack on the makeup in order to feel beautiful. step one, i have to love myself before i can love others. so maybe one way to start loving myself is looking at myself as i am, and accepting who i am, as i am, naturally. i don't want to look like some caked on fakester anymore. i just want to look like a person. i don't care what others thing about how i look. i'm just me. and i'm okay with that. it's exactly what i need. it's the confidence boost i need. yeah, i know, it's just about the opposite of what makeup is supposed to do. but wearing makeup sort of brings me down. makes me feel like i'm ugly without it. i shouldn't be so dependant on makeup. i should be able to wash my face, put a little bit of coverup on to even out my skin and be able to walk out the door. ever since my first tube of eyeliner in the eighth grade, i've been sort of obsessed. i need to put it down, throw it away, only take it out on special occassions, or when i go out at night. but then again, i'm not going to load that on. i've decided i don't need it.

last night i realized that i have another goal to accomplish before i turn seventeen. i have to stop being so emotional. it's great to have emotion, and it's great to show feeling. but i shouldn't be letting it get in the way of my life. i want to be happier, i already said that in my last blog, but i sincerely want to be happy, andi want to stop crying all the time. is that too much to ask? i honestly hope not. i don't want things to affect me as much as they do. one bad thing happens, one thing happens to upset me and my whole day is ruined. i need to stop that. start thinking positively. if i think positively, positive things will happen. i am a true believer in that. only i can make that happen. i need to make that happen, i will make that happen. join me?

on another note, jade goody passed away last night. i don't know much about her, but i have heard that she had said some things in the past that were questionable. i'm not going to pretend like i know what they were, i honestly don't. but cervical cancer is a horrible thing, and my heart goes out to her two young boys. i hope that they are doing okay, and i hope they are surrounded by family, comforting them.

sometimes we all just need a change of scenery..

obligatory first post.

i have been wanting to make a blog for some time now. i am a former blogger addict, actually over from xanga. i haven't been there in a while. i decided it was time for a blog again. there are things in my life that are changing. things that i want to address. things i want to talk about anonymously through a blog. i am me. i have quirks. i have problems. i have a mind that races ten million miles a minute. i am a teenager. i am a troubled teenager, like every other on the planet earth. i'm not perfect, i wish i was. i'm not anyone special, i wish i was. i do not give up on people, unless they give up on themselves first. confrontation scares me, always has, always will. i speak up for myself though, and i have no problem telling you what i think, how i feel about a topic. if you ask me how i am, i will tell you the exact same thing, i am good, even when i am not. i tend to be a pathological liar at times. i get really caught up in my lies, in my fake lives. i am trying to fix that, i am trying to fix myself. before i can help anyone else, i have to help myself. everything is okay on the outside, but on the inside their is another battle, another struggle. i must find the solution and be at peace with myself. i must be at peace with myself, i will be at peace with myself. my pacifist nature will come out, i will explore the depths of myself, my life, my soul, nature, the beauty of this world. it is possible. i am going to make myself happy. there are a lot of things i have to learn about myself before i turn seventeen. i want to find myself before my seventeenth birthday. this is my journey. i will make it, i will sucseed.
1. you must love yourself before you can love anyone else. i must to start loving myself before i can go out there and start to love anyone. there has to be a point where i can't dislike myself any longer. i want to love myself. i want to see the beauty in myself. i have confedence. i need a sense of love for myself.

2. the art of being wise is knowning what to overlook. focus on the good things, don't look at the bad, don't realize the bad, don't focus on the bad at all. just acknowledge the good around you. acknowledge that you are you, you are living, there is positivity in this air. take a deep breath and breathe it in. know there is better out there for you. do not immerse yourself into a bad situation.

3. what would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything? try new things, let curiosity take you in the right direction. be afraid, but don't let it overpower you. do what you want after what you need, but always make sure that you give yourself time for your wants. don't let fear permeate your soul. live a little. smile more.

by the time that i am seventeen, i will be a senior in high school. i want to know who i am, know what i want, know what i need before i graduate. i want to walk off of that stage, after being handed my diploma and i want to know exactly who i am. i want to know myself. i don't know why it has taken me this long. i have always felt born to be a leader, but i have fallen into the background, it seems lately. i must find myself, take the reigns and show people who i really am. i will not let myself go.

i do not want to be in pain anymore. i tend to be in pain a lot. i hide it well. i don't want to have to hide it. i just want it all to fade away. please, fade away. don't let me go another night with this burden, with this ache, with this pain. please. i don't want to lay here, feeling sorry for myself, fetal position. i can not take it, i can not handle it.

next post i will get into my own head. break apart a story that isn't my own. one that i believe is an exciting adventure. one that i believe can make a great novel someday. not today though. it is not my life. no, it will never be my life. but i still live it, i still think it, i still believe it. oh dear gosh, help me.