obligatory first post.

i have been wanting to make a blog for some time now. i am a former blogger addict, actually over from xanga. i haven't been there in a while. i decided it was time for a blog again. there are things in my life that are changing. things that i want to address. things i want to talk about anonymously through a blog. i am me. i have quirks. i have problems. i have a mind that races ten million miles a minute. i am a teenager. i am a troubled teenager, like every other on the planet earth. i'm not perfect, i wish i was. i'm not anyone special, i wish i was. i do not give up on people, unless they give up on themselves first. confrontation scares me, always has, always will. i speak up for myself though, and i have no problem telling you what i think, how i feel about a topic. if you ask me how i am, i will tell you the exact same thing, i am good, even when i am not. i tend to be a pathological liar at times. i get really caught up in my lies, in my fake lives. i am trying to fix that, i am trying to fix myself. before i can help anyone else, i have to help myself. everything is okay on the outside, but on the inside their is another battle, another struggle. i must find the solution and be at peace with myself. i must be at peace with myself, i will be at peace with myself. my pacifist nature will come out, i will explore the depths of myself, my life, my soul, nature, the beauty of this world. it is possible. i am going to make myself happy. there are a lot of things i have to learn about myself before i turn seventeen. i want to find myself before my seventeenth birthday. this is my journey. i will make it, i will sucseed.
1. you must love yourself before you can love anyone else. i must to start loving myself before i can go out there and start to love anyone. there has to be a point where i can't dislike myself any longer. i want to love myself. i want to see the beauty in myself. i have confedence. i need a sense of love for myself.

2. the art of being wise is knowning what to overlook. focus on the good things, don't look at the bad, don't realize the bad, don't focus on the bad at all. just acknowledge the good around you. acknowledge that you are you, you are living, there is positivity in this air. take a deep breath and breathe it in. know there is better out there for you. do not immerse yourself into a bad situation.

3. what would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything? try new things, let curiosity take you in the right direction. be afraid, but don't let it overpower you. do what you want after what you need, but always make sure that you give yourself time for your wants. don't let fear permeate your soul. live a little. smile more.

by the time that i am seventeen, i will be a senior in high school. i want to know who i am, know what i want, know what i need before i graduate. i want to walk off of that stage, after being handed my diploma and i want to know exactly who i am. i want to know myself. i don't know why it has taken me this long. i have always felt born to be a leader, but i have fallen into the background, it seems lately. i must find myself, take the reigns and show people who i really am. i will not let myself go.

i do not want to be in pain anymore. i tend to be in pain a lot. i hide it well. i don't want to have to hide it. i just want it all to fade away. please, fade away. don't let me go another night with this burden, with this ache, with this pain. please. i don't want to lay here, feeling sorry for myself, fetal position. i can not take it, i can not handle it.

next post i will get into my own head. break apart a story that isn't my own. one that i believe is an exciting adventure. one that i believe can make a great novel someday. not today though. it is not my life. no, it will never be my life. but i still live it, i still think it, i still believe it. oh dear gosh, help me.